It’s been far longer than I originally intended, but that’s par for the course as my free time starts to dwindle rapidly. Since December, I’ve managed to resolve a few conflicts, one of which was extremely important, making several strides into repairing a friendship that meant a lot to me. From these two conflicts, I learned the essential steps to ending conflict and moving towards peaceful resolution. I may explore that in a different blog, but for now, there’s been something on my mind that needs to be addressed.
There’s a co-worker that I like very much. He was the first person who trained me at my current job. He’s an extremely reliable and efficient person, often referred to as the backbone for that department.
A few weeks ago, he didn’t come into work and did not inform anyone of his unexpected absence. This was unusual, but given his solid reputation, it was left unnoticed. The next day was payday. He’s an older gentleman who operates on the old school and prefers a tangible paycheck as opposed to digital pay. That means that come hell or high water, he will retrieve his paycheck. That day he didn’t, nor did he show up for his scheduled shift once again. That was the last straw that his manager needed to sound the alarm.
He was found in his apartment. He had had a stroke and suffered through it alone, but he was alive. He was rushed to the hospital shortly thereafter. As far as I know, he’s as good as someone who suffered through a stroke can be. He’s recovering and that’s all he can ask for.
I visited him in the hospital a couple weeks later. He described to me what he referred to as the “worst days of life.” He waited in his apartment for two days for help to arrive. He attempted to call for help, but nobody heard him. He attempted to knock on his walls to alert his neighbors, but nobody came. He attempted to get up and find his phone, but he constantly lost balance and fell. Fearing that he would injure himself further, he chose to stop trying and just waited. He intimated to me that he believed he was going to die.
It was heartbreaking to hear, to say the least. I felt sorry that he had to endure such an agonizing experience. I wish him well and I hoped I would see him at work very soon.
As humans tend to do in their unintentional selfishness, I thought about how I would fare in the face of something life-threatening. In the same situation, would I shake in terror in the event of my demise? Would I fear death?
The easy answer is no. Not really. But I would fear the long, painful deterioration of death. I don’t have a high threshold for pain, so I’d fear the hurt and eventual decay of my cause of death, but not actually slipping from life itself.
Please be advised that I am not at all suicidal. As you may have read in previous blogs, I was suicidal and always found myself daydreaming… almost hoping to die. Currently, I have no plans to pursue death, so please don’t take this as a call for help.
With that being said, I’d like to confess that in all actuality, if I were to come face to face with my own mortality, I’d sort of… welcome it. Even embrace it, depending on the time and place when it happens. It just feels like it’d be a relief. Just to have all my stressors, problems, grievances, anxiety, and depression just disappear, leaving nothing but peace. It’s calming. It’s freeing. The relief just washes over.
And I know it may sound alarming, but I promise you that I’m doing fine. Yes, those thoughts do in fact occur frequently when one is suicidal, but I can’t express enough that I am doing okay. Occasional lapses of mood do happen as I’ve stressed time and time again that depression doesn’t go away overnight, but I’m not sad nor am I driven to find relief. I’ll live life day by day and do the best I can with what I have, but if it were to happen… well, then I’d be free of the weight of life’s problems. And really, who doesn’t want to be free of that?
In the end, I just sat down and I thought about the idea of death with the clearest head in a long time, unencumbered by extremely unhealthy thought patterns… And I came to the conclusion if it were to happen, I’d be okay with it. I wish I could describe it in a less alarming way, but those are my honest feelings. I’m not going to shy away from them nor am I going to apologize for them. I will however, reassure you.
For the sake of everyone reading, I really can’t stress enough that I am NOT intending to kill myself in any way. Trust me, I have many things planned for the future and I can’t wait to see through these new experiences with the self-assurance that I’ve never had before. However, if death comes knocking any time soon, I’m going to answer the door.