Discounting the Positives

Commentary: It’s been far too long since I last posted and I sincerely apologize. Trust me, I really wanted to post… something, but I either forgot, or I was too busy. And it’s honestly pained me that I haven’t posted in so long. I never meant for that happen. This blog has been too important for me to neglect it like this. I hope there’s still some of you out there reading this.

A lot has changed since I started drafting this post, so I may or may not feel the same, but I feel it important to post it regardless and it was important for me to write it. So let’s go back and finish a post I started more than a month ago.

Expect this to be a lengthy entry. All of it ties to a point, I promise, but it’s also meant to update you on my life. Clever, huh? No? Okay.

Commentary end.

***

A tendency in which I partake quite often is what is known as “discounting the positives.” I have a very low opinion of myself and a distinct lack of self worth. Unlike normal people, when good things tend to happen to me, instead of attributing successes to my talent and/or skill, I attribute it to the situation, somehow putting a negative spin on something that’s supposed to be good. It’s either that or I simply ignore it altogether, often feeling like it wasn’t deserved.

Just as it’s called, when you discount the positive, it’s when you attempt to explain away an achievement or a good quality about yourself. It’s considered a cognitive distortion or a negative thought pattern that contributes to folks who have depression as it prevents one from having a sense of pride in oneself. And I suppose that’s really part of the foundation of mental wellness. It’s just another type of negative thinking of which I have to break.

It was touched upon in the previous entry on Comic-Con. Although I got to check something off my bucket list and I remember in the moment, having an incredible time, but I returned feeling numb to the whole experience. I began recalling the worst parts of the trip to my therapist, concluding that it was an experience I wouldn’t want to revisit. Bemused, she looked at me and bluntly said that I was discounting a positive. I didn’t believe her at first, as I recalled not enjoying the experience while there, but she quickly countered that I likely did enjoy myself at some point. She made it very clear that attending Comic-Con is a big deal and not something that I should easily disregard.

And a lot of good stuff was happening to me recently, but I refused to allow myself to accept it for one reason or another that I will explore here.

My place of work has two ways in which to boost morale and recognize employees. Of course, there’s your standard Employee of the Quarter (monthly seemed too costly for them) as well as the Shining Star Award. There’s an incentive program at my job where you receive stars for recognition for hard work and talent, or going above and beyond your call of duty. The stars can be redeemed for cash or other bonuses. The Shining Star Award recognizes those who have won the most stars in a given quarter. Apparently, I received both. I wasn’t willing to accept that I deserved those awards. Instead of just patting myself on the back for a good job, I made excuses. “I got lucky. They give those out to everyone. The last nominees already got them, so it was my turn.”

I came up with what I believed was the most plausible explanation: A few weeks prior to that, I interviewed for a promotion in administration. I didn’t get the position, losing out to someone who was more experienced than me, however my manager made sure to give me a pep talk, explaining that it was only because of the other candidate’s experience that I did not get it. I’m not sure if I chose to believe that, but I know those circumstances led me to believe that that manager rigged the awards so that I received them as a consolation prize for not getting the position to begin with.

I provided this explanation to my therapist, who blinked at me in confusion, and proceeded to imply heavily, in the kindest words possible, how stupid I sounded. Whether or not it’s true, it was really up to me to break that unhealthy negative pattern and feel that sense of accomplishment.

Then, Comic-Con happened.

About two weeks following my return, the person vacated the position for which I was vying and true to his word, my manager promoted me. At that point, I did start to feel a sense of accomplishment, in this pseudo-career path that I’ve chosen for myself. And thankfully, I haven’t been doing a bad job. Granted, I made a pretty grave mistake that could have resulted in immediate dismissal (and I’m sure I’ll be beating myself up about that for ages), but I wasn’t (and I have to make myself understand that it was an honest mistake). In the end, those who have been evaluating me have blatantly told me that I haven’t been doing a bad job (Even my verbiage indicates that I still haven’t quite broken myself of that negative thought pattern).

And then, Japan happened. I traveled to Tokyo, Japan and had such an incredible time. There’s really no way to express how great that trip was. No excessive use of adjectives nor ridiculously verbose and flowery rhetoric can express how great that trip was. I can only say that I was homesick for a country I was in for 11 days.

And all of that is amazing and fantastic, but nothing validated me more than a simple compliment from a stranger I met at work.

Now, I had helped her a few times, so we were somewhat familiar with one another, but it’s still mind-blowing that she stopped in the middle of her day to say:

“I just want to say that you’re great. There’s a lot people here that will act like dicks and I don’t want that to change you.”

I was so shocked by it and I could barely sputter out a word of thanks, before she smiled and walked away. I couldn’t accept the compliment for days after and still, I have issues processing it. I always wonder about what warranted it; For her to feel the need to tell me something like that…. In the end, it shouldn’t matter. She decided to do something awfully kind by offering a very simple compliment. And if I want to build a sense of pride, if I want to feel like I have value, I have to accept it, right?

I’m still trying to break that thought pattern. My therapist tries to make me see the value in myself and I never understood why. I just want to be a good person and a good friend. Finding value in myself doesn’t seem like it’s really needed. It doesn’t add to any of those aforementioned goals, so why should I care? I neglected to mention that I just want to feel better and that’s where my therapist got me.

So I suppose I need to tell myself and whomever is still around to read this post: When good things happen, it’s because you did it. Try to accept that and make sure that you know your value.

And above all, keep on.

It’s been too long.

Adam