A Different Perspective

I’ve been largely absent on here and I apologize. These days, I often have less time for solipsism and feelings, as I’m far too preoccupied with various other obligations. During my prolonged absence, I can say that I’ve gradually implemented a few changes in my life, which unfortunately, were based out of anger and frustration. However, perception seems to be dependent on perspective.

Last year, in the months following Eugene’s passing, I wanted to get closer to everyone around me. As it tends to be the case, while you’re grieving, you find that you’re more appreciative of the people closest to you. Losing someone hurts and the guilt associated with taking that someone for granted can be even worse, so you hold on tight to those people you care about, in hopes the next inevitable loss hurts less.

This year, however, I’ve altered my thoughts quite a bit. I’m doing almost the exact opposite by loosely severing ties with people who were close to me. While they weren’t completely removed from my life altogether, they’ve taken a significantly less present role in it. And as I said earlier, it was primarily out of anger. Despite caring so much and loving so hard, I felt none of it reciprocated. At first, I was frustrated, but I latched on, constantly hoping for some change. There was a lot of unresolved anger and there was no outlet for it. Eventually, I grew tired of being angry and frustrated. Finally, I realized that despite how much you love them, some people are not worth keeping close if they’re simply siphoning their needs out of you while providing no enrichment in return.

Therefore, I made a decision or two and I’m more alone now than I have been in a while. It’s freeing at times and at other times, not so much. But I made decisions and I stand by them.

So while it may seem fairly stupid to make a decision based on anger, let alone how spectacularly unwise it would be for my mental health, it depends on the perspective. And my therapist was able to put it in a different perspective for me. She sees it as growth more so because I’m making more efforts to protect myself from others who have and will likely to continue to hurt me. She sees that I’m putting value in myself as something worth protecting. So rather than constantly giving all of myself to someone I care about, I’m not giving as much, I’m keeping a lot for myself, and I’m removing some of the people who aim to take from me.

At first, I thought of my decisions as more so selfish, so I was pretty surprised to hear her assessment. I was definitely taken aback, but it’s likely because I find it such a novel concept for me to believe that I have value in myself. I don’t necessarily agree with her entirely, but it does change the way I perceive my choices a bit. I don’t alway feel that my choices were justified, but I feel less guilty and to be frank, a bit stronger now.

In time, if I choose to allow them more access into my life, I hope I’m strong enough to understand my value and not fall back into my old, self-sacrificing ways. Breaking that cycle of exasperation and resentment.

As a passionate Beatles fan, I really believed that magical lyric: “And in the end, the love you take is equal to the love you make.” It’s remarkably idealistic, but painfully naive. Hopefully one day, someone will prove this lyric true. Or maybe I just need to have a different perspective on it.

Keep on.

Adam