Change for the better (Hopefully)

Unfortunately, I’m one of those people who is incredibly resistant to change. Over time, I’ve become a bit more accommodating to it despite a growing knot in my stomach that aches for sameness.

Over the last few months, I’ve experienced a lot of change that it’s left me fairly exhausted, vulnerable, and frankly, a little needy. However, I had control over this change, which made it easier to digest and welcome. (In the end, it’s the feeling of being in control that provides unimaginable comfort. It’s the helplessness that makes all of us act out.) And it’s all for the better, I hope.

Toward the end of last year, I made the difficult decision to end my long-running podcast. It had become such a struggle to schedule, record, and edit that I didn’t feel quite as much enjoyment out of it anymore. Over time, we were doing the same thing over and over, that it had become very stagnant. I didn’t feel like we were growing anymore. I loved the podcast because I put so much of myself into it. I really couldn’t bare to continue dragging its lifeless corpse any longer. So I decided that we should put it to rest, at least for the time being.

Following that, I found another creative endeavor in writing for MuggleNet. In the six months I’ve worked for them, I’ve had my ass kicked so many times. Prior to starting at MuggleNet, I had become very complacent and a little egotistical because of my long and varied tenure at Dark Knight News. Being in leadership at DKN, I knew that the site was messy, but somehow functional. (Which is probably why I gravitated toward it.) I discovered that MN was the complete opposite. The site had been around for long and employs over 100 volunteers, which means an established infrastructure of rules and regulations was necessary to keep the site functioning and functioning very well.

That’s when I started realizing just how challenged I was at MN vs. DKN. In just a few months, I had learned and improved upon my writing more than I had ever at DKN. For the most part, I had stopped growing as a writer and I didn’t want that anymore. At the same time, juggling two very different fansites every weekend was starting to affect my mental health. One of them needed to go, so I chose the one that I felt would help me professionally move forward. After musing over it for a couple months, I decided it was time. After eight years at DKN, I made the decision to leave. (Eight seems to be the lucky number for me since that was also how long I was running the podcast.) It was pretty tough, because, as previously mentioned, I do not react well to change. So while it’s a relief to finally free up some time for myself, I’m a bit emotional over the loss of something I generally enjoyed doing for eight years.

And of course, the big one: I moved and I’m now living by myself for the first time in my life. It’s quite an adjustment learning how to make time for necessary chores, make weighted decisions, and surprisingly, adapt to the loneliness. I never expected that loneliness would be an issue as someone who treasures their personal space and longs to be alone 75% of the time. But it’s proven to be pretty tough. I both love it and hate it. I enjoy the freedom of being alone, but I do wish that I had someone to talk to sometimes. It fluctuates, but I’m legally obligated for at least a year. (If nothing goes wrong.)

Overall, it’s been a big year of change thus far and maybe, a start of a new life. Well, mostly. (Traveled a grand total of 15 minutes to get to where I am now.) It’s a bit of a struggle, but I’ve got to

Keep on.

Adam