Where I Belong
Over the last few months, I’ve attempted to enact more change. Given how unhappy I am at my job, I’ve started earnestly looking for a new one, but in doing so, I’ve unintentionally started digging myself into a rut. After a few interviews, countless rejections, and absolutely no leads with which to continue hunting, I’ve found myself in an inescapable pit of self-doubt and frustration.
And in an unfortunate twist of fate, I’m left with a much smaller support system than I had before. In an attempt to protect myself, I started cutting people out of my life. I finally began to see some value in myself and because of that, I took note of the people who didn’t. The quarantine was a pretty eye-opening experience.
In the end, I chose to remove people whom I realized didn’t care about me as I did them or who simply didn’t enrich my life in any way. I just didn’t see the point of catering to people who wouldn’t give me the time of day. A pretty healthy, self-assured thought, you’d think.
However, it came to bite me in the ass because that just left me very lonely. I found that my current circle of friends that I considered a family didn’t really care about me as much as I cared about them. As a result, I felt lost. I stumbled in the dark for a bit, looking for people who actually cared if I was alive. While there are still some people that I know do (and I am eternally grateful for them), I thought I had found others.
There were two other people out there that seemed like they genuinely cared. Once I discovered this, I started wanting to plan trips and spend more time with these people to feel valued for being me and not for what I could do for them. So while I was falling into a really bad depressive episode because of the failed job search, I knew I needed a break and I wanted more than anything to take that break with people who loved me. Therefore, with what little money I scrounged up, I planned a trip across the country to see them and finally be around people who could possibly help me find my self-worth again. I soon discovered just how naive and stupid I was.
My lack of social awareness and wishful thinking really fooled me into believing what was clearly a fantasy. One among them just didn’t like me and was simply tolerating me for the other person’s sake. You see, it’s true that one of them probably does love me, but they’re a married couple and that creates an awkward situation for the person who does care about me. And it’s not really in my personality to forcefully insert myself into someone else’s life when I’m not wanted. So I sadly accepted that this would probably be my last trip out there.
My world shattered to discover how alone I was. After letting go of my current family of friends and desperately looking for anybody else who cared, I really thought I had found them. Then, I didn’t. And now, I feel even more lost and I don’t know where I belong anymore.
Losing two important friends coupled with the incessant rejections has left me with a severe and painful sense of worthlessness. The constant storm of negative thoughts and hopelessness is so consuming and crippling that I can’t even bring myself to speak to the few people who do care about me. It’s these thoughts that cause me to curse the world for letting a worthless person like me continue wasting air and space and resources when someone like Eugene was taken from it.
If I take a step back to think about it now, I was likely romanticizing frendships again and setting unrealistic expectations. I was relying on them to get me out of a dark place. I know I’m supposed to be the one to claw myself out of this rut, but there are just too many disappointing environmental factors weighing on me that are becoming heavier and heavier that I feel like I can’t manage. And the break that I thought would rejuvenate me, unfortunately, didn’t go as I expected.
I’m emotionally exhausted and I still don’t know where I belong, both professionally and personally. And I don’t know what to do about it. At the very least, all these thoughts I’ve been holding in for the past few days have been expressed and properly organized. That’s the first step, I suppose. It feels a bit lighter.
I should probably seek help. The days seem to be getting darker and darker.
Keep on.
Adam
Chip on their Shoulders 