Escapism

Considering the current need to stay the fuck home, you’d think that I’d remember to write a blog once in a while. Well, apparently not. And this is the blog that’s supposed to absolve me of all wrongdoing, but very likely not, because it’s not really a good reason. Just more introspective pondering. 

When we last met, I was trying to determine just which best way to go about maintaining my sanity in isolation. As I mentioned, I realized that I was able to keep a firm grasp on it by simply leaving the house and hanging out with friends. Staying home constantly with people with whom I don’t get along was not the ideal situation for my mental health. So, of course, drama ensued and some hurtful words have been said, leaving this house a lot frostier than it used to be. However, that’s not the point of this post, just providing further support for why going into quarantine was not optimal for me. 

To finally get to the point, I realized about a month and half into quarantine, I was escaping… hard. My friends and I are currently in a virtual Harry Potter book club, attempting to re-read the series. Unfortunately, it’s been a bit sluggish as everybody is busy with their lives. Me, however, I was feeling incredibly impatient and having a very difficult time adjusting to quarantine, and desperately yearned to escape back into the Wizarding World. So I did. We were knee-deep into Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban and after waiting patiently, I threw caution to the wind and voraciously consumed the rest of that book and even went further to finish Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire within a couple of weeks. Despite the fact that I really wanted to jump into the following book, I was stopped and have been waiting for the rest to catch up ever since. 

Thankfully, around the same time, I discovered a video game that I unwittingly chose as a substitute reality into which I could escape. I had heard of it a few months prior to its original release date in 2016 and had taken a keen interest in it. However, the release was a debacle and it was quickly dismissed. It was featured on a YouTube video about open-world games recently and it caught my attention. After researching to find 4 years’ worth of patches finally made the game very playable and worth trying, I bought it. That game is called No Man’s Sky and it is a survival game that focuses on exploration, which also includes building bases and vehicles, mining materials and crafting, and you know, surviving with these tools. Think Minecraft but with infinitely better graphics and in space. In a way, it’s similar to Harry Potter in that it’s a fully fleshed out universe, but better because I actually get to interact with it, explore it, and discover new things about it. And a perfect place to escape into when we weren’t really allowed to go outside. Virtually going outside really helps. 

Then, I also had a brief addiction to urban exploration (abbreviated as UrbEx) YouTube videos. It lasted about 4-5 days, where I couldn’t stop watching people explore abandoned houses, buildings, schools, and even whole cities. 

Two months into quarantine, the cabin fever had dissipated and I no longer felt the need to go out. I was perfectly content staying inside. Mostly because I guess I was having more interesting adventures in the pages of a book or moving the analog sticks on my Xbox controller to explore a new planet. That’s when I realized that I was escaping my reality. I was latching on to anything that would allow me to leave my house mentally, since I sure as shit couldn’t leave physically. It comforted in ways that I had forgotten was possible. And the anxiety slowly, but surely, washed away. 

When the time came for my office re-open, I was hesitant to go, mostly because of the rising confirmed COVID diagnoses, but a small part was because I had become pretty content with being at home having my own virtual/literary adventures. It’s not the healthiest coping mechanism as I could have used that time to do something productive like learn a new skill, but it helped deal with the anxiety. So I don’t regret it. Not yet at least. Maybe in 10 years, when I’m in my forties, too stubborn to learn something new. 

I wonder sometimes what exactly that says about me. When given sanctioned freetime to stay away from everyone, I choose to go even further away by rushing towards a universe of make-believe. Just anything to NOT be present. To be anywhere away from my reality. It’s a little alarming, but then, I also think about the fact that I’m not particularly fond of living in general, then it makes a little bit of sense. I can’t put my finger on what it actually represents, but it’s a thread that I’ll keep pulling until I come up with an answer that satisfies me. 

Until then, stay safe and 

Keep on. 

Adam.