I’m Going to Attend a Wedding as a Bridesman
As I’ve said in the past, I don’t really abide too much by gender stereotypes as much as I used to. While most of what makes me comfortable still somewhat aligns with what the world considers traditional masculinity, I wouldn’t feel too much discomfort at all if I were to stray away from those societal norms.
It became a subject of discussion recently when my best friend brought up the idea of including me in her bridal party. She initially rejected the idea because she felt like I’d be uncomfortable being a cis male in an organized group that’s traditionally composed of women. I made it very clear to her that I’d mostly be honored and excited that she’d actually eschew wedding tradition because of how much I mean to her as a friend. At the time, I thought the decision had already been made and I was very satisfied simply attending as a guest.
However, I received an email about a week or so later, confirming an appointment for me to get fitted for a tuxedo for their wedding. Since I’m not at all close with her fiance, I knew there was no way that I was a part of his groomsmen. I smiled to myself and made a note to give her a call about it later.
Apparently, she didn’t know that email was going to go out and wanted to tell me herself at some point, which just made me laugh. Because the groom and his side of the family is fairly conventional, I took the opportunity to ask her if there was any need for persuasion or, in the worst case scenario, confrontation. She simply assured me that there wouldn’t be anything of the sort because it was her decision and she had already made it regardless if anybody had any dissenting opinion.
Today, I attended the bridal shower and it was certainly strange knowing that I was the only male there in a roomful of women who may or may not totally agree with my inclusion. However, I’m pretty sure that a good portion of those disarming thoughts were likely just that, my own thoughts getting in the way. While I knew I stuck out, nobody intentionally tried to make me feel like I didn’t belong. Thinking on it now, there could have been a ton of other factors that could have contributed to my slight discomfort. It could have been the total awareness that I was the only guy. It could have been the fact that I only knew about four people in a group of 35 people and overwhelming social anxiety. It could have been the fact that it was my first time being thrust into a nontraditionally masculine role that didn’t immediately come natural to me. Who knows?
By the end of the bridal shower, however, I had been disassociating for a very long time at that point. Not only had I expended a lot of energy attempting (and failing) to be social, but something else was weighing very heavily on my mind. I spent the entire drive home in a haze, unfeeling, and little numb.
At the moment, I’m still working through my thoughts. While the social anxiety likely contributed to that dazed feeling that followed the bridal shower, I believe it’s likely more so about her decision to move forward with this wedding and the discomfort I feel regarding that.
While I think most of my romantic feelings for her have subsided, I’m aware of some residual feelings that haven’t quite been stamped out yet. Nowadays, I’m very happy to call her my best friend with conviction. I know she deeply cares about me and I know that it’s in a familial sense, which doesn’t cause me any great pain to admit. And these days, I’m hyper conscious of what I say and how I say certain things around her in private and around her fiance to ensure that there is absolutely no possible way of misinterpreting our friendship. I respect their relationship and would never do anything to jeopardize it.
Does it have to do with my feelings? Possibly, but there’s definitely more there I simply cannot disclose publicly. At the moment, I know I just need to sort out my thought and articulate them in a way for me to understand them. Then, hopefully make peace and
Keep on.
Adam
Chip on their Shoulders 