2021 was a Bad Year for Me

Looking back on the year and evaluating the current state of my mental health, I can say with a fair amount of certainty that this year was one of the worst I’ve had in quite a while. Although I’ve made a few positive changes in my life, like relocating both personally and professionally, it couldn’t bring me out of one of the deepest depressive episodes I’ve had in years.

Certainly, I’ve been depressed since starting this blog. Hell, most of it was recorded here, but I think the difference between now and then was that I had a support system. As of today, I don’t really have one and if anything, I’m more alone than I’ve ever been before.

Part of the many changes that I’ve made this year was to cut all of the people whom I felt subtracted from my life instead of added to it. In doing so, I’ve unintentionally isolated myself and removed the support system that was helping to carry me through difficult times. And although it sounds foolish now, people change and sometimes, relationships become toxic. In the end, my biggest regret is spending so much time cultivating a friendship with someone whose inflated sense of self gets in the way of their compassion.

At the same time, something I’ve been dreading this year finally happened, which caused me to spiral. Then, I foolishly voiced my feelings on the matter and potentially ruined a friendship with the only person in the world who actually cared about me.

And without them, I question if there’s anybody in the world who would even wrinkle their nose if I just disappeared.

So here I am, at the end of 2021, feeling so lost, alone, and lower than I’ve been in years. I’m honestly unsure if I can keep on anymore.

Happy New Year.

Adam.